If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
