i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
