Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
