Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
