Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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