i barfeds in our rink
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
