I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
