I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
tell me about the eggs
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
