I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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