Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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