I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
