My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
