had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
this boner is exhausting
fuck your aforementioned shoe
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
We had to coat check the pizza.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
