I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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