i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
