So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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