I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
