Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
