Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
