I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I am midnight drunk by noon
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Randomize
