i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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