So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
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