just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
