I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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