East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
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