how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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