Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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