doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
