how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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