You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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