Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
