I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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