There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
