Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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