note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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