You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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