the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Randomize
