i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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