at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize