Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
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