My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
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We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
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You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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