Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
