it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
