I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
