Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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