I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
