I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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