brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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