I faked an abortion last night.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
