I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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