He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
