I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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