i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
