I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
