so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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