I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
