uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
