Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
