All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Randomize
