2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
