1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
